April 4: Church Key

• Florida ------- 6
• Washington -- 7

I'm still trying to develop a method for serving up these beer cans. It's not too hard to open yourself one, but if you're going to be doing it several dozen times a game, times 80 games over the season, it's advisable to work on efficiency at every stage of the operation. Today I took a step toward streamlining the process by considering the issue of the can opener.

Some call it a Church Key, an old-timey phrase possibly used in reference to the device's resemblance to the keys to a church or in allustion to it ability to access the bliss contained in a bottle of beer. Whatever the derivation, a beerman has got to have one, which I knew, so I'm using one I picked up last year. Standard model, solid piece of polished metal, made in China. It serves a dual purpose: first, you hook it under the tab to save your finger the distress of the repeat action (a hundred bare-fingered tab-pops and your fingernail's going to fall off), then you hook it under the rim and lever the pointed end into the top of the can to create an air hole opposite the pour hole. This is vital for minimizing foam and speeding up the flow, otherwise you'll be standing there all day waiting for the beer to finish pouring while you watch your sales go to other vendors.


The alternate method for creating airflow holes is simpler and more direct; just use the point to puncture a hole on the side just below the rim. The airhole doesn't need to be big, just big enough. No need to nestle the hook under the rim a turn in a big lever action -- instead, you just pop the thin sidewall of aluminum and get to pouring.


After initial reservations I gave it a try, but my Church Key wasn't capable. It came with a blunt end that couldn't break up a pile of sand, and my first efforts did nothing but dent the side of the can and disturb its contents. What I needed was a sharp point to get this to work. So on my walk to the subway I stopped off at a small gas station and asked Armando the mechanic if he had a tool that could file it down. Most filling stations adhere to a pretty strict policy of keeping customers out of the garage area for liability reasons, but my man Armando was a casual sort. While barely cutting into his cell phone conversation, he walked me in, directed me to a pneumatic tool with a disk attachment, and wandered off again, leaving me to do what I could with it.

So I turned it on and touched it to the metal surface. Orange sparks sprayed out. Then I gave it a run down one side of the triangular point, then the other. Flipped it over and ran it down each side. I tested the point with my finger and almost drew blood. It looked like this:



Now I was ready to pierce some cans. Armando was still on the phone, but I tipped him a couple of bucks in thanks, which is something I do quite liberally now that part of my income comes from tips as well.

My improved church key worked like a charm, and all it took now was minimal pressure to be ready to pour. It couldn't help the big problem today, which was that a cold Wednesday afternoon kept me to three cases in sales, but it's a start.