Four Steps to Proper Lifting

• Marlins -----5
• Phillies -----3
• Sold -------- 5 cases beer

My Philadelphia employer, Aramark, helpfully posted the following instructional flier:


Note how this focused laborer carefully regards his assigned parcel, as if considering the mysterious contents of the Ark of the Covenant! Then, following with impeccable form and careful grip, raising the fragile box to waist-height, maintaining the object's line ever-close to the body, employing the larger gluteal and femoral muscles with effortless grace. Such balance, such poetry, when man and implement become one! A performance worthy of the great Vasiliy Alexeev, surely.

Much of this has nothing to do with the vendors. I "size up the load" by shouting "Two cases!" handing over $324 to Karen the cashier, grabbing the tub, and popping it up on my shoulder as I race out the door, trying not to hit anyone on the way out, or slip on the beer-and-ice sludge that has formed outside the door. Maybe things are different in Washington state, whose Department of Labor & Industries produces this how-to guide. I would very much like to get my hands on that guy's puffy chef's hat, though.
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